new rules for the new year

So I want some new rules to live by, when you are born you get all these gifts and money, that’s yours not your parents but yours, same for the first 4 birthdays that money is yours and is kept for you. When you turn five you get to look at the balance and see if you want to withdraw the money and buy some stuff. Now if you do this your parents can not say no, so if you want a weedwacker at 5 then it’s yours. You want candy same thing. Now you do not have to spend any of it or you can spend all of it but that is the rules. You can spend it as you wish, no interference, now if your parents spend any of it you get to garnish their wages until the debt is paid back and you can spank them too.
Spanking is now allowed but we will all be trained to spank correctly, because there are different kinds of spankings, you are a child and misbehaved spanking all the way to S&M safe word spanking, you will be taught all forms and how they are to be used. Parents may now spank their children in public if they need to strangers may as well but it has to be in front of the parent and the person must have been an expert spanker, this is a qualification you earn through training.
All cars will now have two way radios and the number will be the license plate. Going with government training you are also assigned a skill level for driving, not a bullshit skill level like in school like let’s just pass the kid but a real skill level, where you can use the left lane and other passing lanes and you have more power than other drivers. Also if you get a fruity personalized license plate and people call you on their two -way you have to answer as to why you got the plate and what it means. If you do this in a snarky way then that person has the right to spank you, see the above rule.
As a young man or woman you have the right to own an exotic pet (as long as it is not endangered) now if it bites you tears off your face or genitalia or anything crazy like that well that is the way it is. It’s called you took the risk so that’s what you get rule. Now that not to say your pet would not rock, it probably will but if you have a black widow and it bites you oh well that sucks same for monkeys, alligators, and all shit like that, want a zebra then fine I do not know what you are gonna do with it but have one. And by the way anyone who has a pet can’t say well it’s just like a dog or some shit. That just peeves me to no end. You will get spanked and have your animal taken away.

The Basterds are Here

Inglourious Basterds yes they are. Let’s say this right up front Quentin Tarantino Fucking Rocks. He is my George Lucas. I have been with him since Dogs and Yes I did see it in a movie theatre. Saw The Basterds, I loved it. Jews going after Nazi’s for going after the Jews. The bad guy is awesome Hans Landa is such a dick ,he is great super cool and super ego make for super villain. Loved him, he will snuff you out or sell you out it just doesn’t matter. Pitt as Aldo Raine is simply superb, I love when Pitt puts on an accent you all remember Snatch, well he does another accent here and he plays it awesome, but what makes it even funnier and better is his almost sheer stupidity of his plans and that people follow him. Watch for his facial expressions when the leg injury is mentioned. Eli Roth is Fabulous as the Bear Jew and his Teddy Fucking Williams accent. The dialogue is definitely different as the cool factor had to be replaced,there was no cool in 1944 the facts are all wrong but hey it’s a movie not a history lesson. Biggest complaint characters just go missing like Mr. Blue from Res Dogs there are a couple of Basterds who you go, what happened to him. That and there was not enough action scenes with the Basterds and the Nazis I know that Tarantino is at his best with implied violence but man we saw the Bride kill everybody could we see the Basterds kill some people. This slides right into a tie for number three with Kill Bill ahead of Grindhouse

Drunken Monkeys

Drunken monkeys are the most fun to play with. There are many different kinds of drunks, the drunks who go quiet and introspective, they are totally un-fun. The fighting drunk they were fun when you were 16 and they just wanted to duke anyone out, sometimes it was you and other times it was somebody else, now they are just assholes. There are funny drunks who make things even goofier then when they are sober cause they are just so clowney. There is the loud drunks, who just do not know what volume they speak at, so they shout everything it’s like they are wearing an iPod at full volume and still wanting to talk. Then there is the drunken monkey, they are loud so loud its hurtful to your whole head, they are also unable to follow any conversation for more than 3 seconds, they are like a kitten with a bunch of toys they just do not know what to play with or what to do. They interrupt, and they are never wrong the drunken monkey can be funny, can be sad, but are never ever wrong and they are as fun as a barrel of regular people. When the drunken monkey is around normal drunk people shenanigans will usually ensue, the regular drunks will be having a conversation that the drunken monkey tries to get in on but does not know what is going on so they yell at you. Then they forget what they were saying and move on, if you make fun of the drunken monkey they do not know how to react, should they yell at you and curse you out or should they laugh? They scan the room but cannot comprehend the situation so sometimes they laugh and others the act out in a negative way. The drunken monkey is a species to behold and they best watched while drunk yourself as to not get annoyed with their conduct you can laugh and joke with them easier this way. So when you go to your next get together scan the room and find the drunken monkey have a couple and egg them on it can only lead to more fun.

CEREAL

So I like cereal, many many different kinds, and when I was a kid I liked even more. now I eat “healthy” cereal that is low in cholesterol and high in fiber, like there is one more thing I need to do is poop more. So I want to know how and who thought of Snap Crackle and Pop. Three gay midgets who make noise when you add milk. Snap Crackle and Pop were not my favorites as a matter of fact that was one of the few cereals I did not eat. But if you gave me a Green Talking Frog and some Sugar Snaps I am in. Give me a giant Tiger with a bandana screaming “They’re Great” and he is talking about kids I think he is a pedi. A talking rabbit who can’t spell Trix are for kids, this is how I got my information as a kid. I listened and wanted Boo-Berry and Count Chocula and wanted to hang out with Captain Crunch I did a lot of crazy shit when I was younger and I blame cereal characters from Lucky Charms who pushed acid to taking rabbits and whatever the hell a Honeycomb was it was. these people that led me out of my youth with no fear what type of drugged out sex fiends were shilling shit for us as kids

District 9

District 9 some of you will hate it but I loved it. It was a movie that has so many layers and so much going on but in a very smart sort of way. First thing I like it does not take place in America. It takes place in Johannesburg South Africa. An alien ship just stops and hover over the city. It is there for three months before the Africans decide to try to make contact and when they do they meet the Aliens. The Aliens are all undernourished and they look like giant bugs or shrimps. They are gathered from the ship and are relocated to a tent or shanty town that is called District 9. The Aliens have been here for about 17 or so years and the people come to despise them. There is much anger and resentment towards the prawns. Politically they have no power and are treated as unwelcome unhelpful and wanted beings all would wish they would just leave. They are, to be relocated to District 10 200 kilometers away. MNU multinational industries are in charge of policing them and relocating them. Wikus Vandermeer is in charge of relocation and the prawns while scavenging are also fiends for Cat food and Rubber. While Wkius is serving eviction notices he finds many strange things including some stolen and scrounged computer parts and what look to be a distillery. Wikus comes into contact with some liquid and begins to metamorphous into an alien. His company rather than treat him wants to use him to see if he can use the aliens weapons system which humans cannot use. It is here where the movie really begins to get even deeper and more complex it shows the inhumanity of business and that it is all about profit even when personal relationships are involved. Wikus is hunted by MNU and by humans as well as unable to trust or be trusted by the Aliens. There is much more that goes on in the movie it has an open and different ending and as the movie builds so does the action. I thought it was an original take on an old idea on a 1-10 scale I give it a solid 7.5

A rant on Healthcare

Well it is time for a political rant. I am sick and tired of all this political bullshit over healthcare. Should we have healthcare for everyone? Well it’s a good concept but we must at least accept that some people will totally take advantage of the situation they are in. Whether it is C.E.O. ‘s giving themselves bonuses while asking or handouts or welfare recipients scamming the system it is going to happen. OK so let’s go with healthcare, Should we have a “public option” probably because in the free enterprise system the more competition the better but it will never happen in our system because our system is being run by lobbyists who will tell politicians how to write a bill and then donate tons of money to their campaign both as individuals and as corporations. We want change, we want things to get better for all, now Tim I believe in some of what you say but in simple terms the business of business is to make money. No matter if you are in insurance, oil, building cars or whatever, from the corner bagel place and landscaper you want to make money, even as workers ,we want to do a job and get paid for it. The job of government is to protect the people and provide an infrastructure. They are going to provide safety in an army and military and police and fire department and infrastructure in roads and public and things like that. When business gets out of the government then we can have laws that protect and provide for the people. With the health care bill is discussed and debated every member of congress should list right up front who their donors from the health insurance companies are. The right type of bills will never get passed because of special interests and money so let’s stop playing that one group is better than the other. For me it is all about social issues, so health insurance will change some and our taxes will go up. The illuminati will still rule the world and Obama will fall in line, the reason McCain did not win was that Palin just couldn’t be trusted to play the game.

District 9

So I just saw District 9 and it ROCKED. Done in Documentary style and cinema style mixed, it takes place in Johannesburg Africa. An Alien Ship has floated over the city and after 3 months the humans check it out. The aliens are all messed up and they are taken out of the ship and taken to a relocation camp which turns into a slum. The aliens are treated like second class citizens who are called prawns a derogatory term. So the movie takes a little time to build as we watch the humans denigrate the aliens. Eventually the citizens want the m out of the city proper and the plan to move them 100 or so miles out of the city. As the private company(HMU) contracted to remove the aliens begin to do so, we see that the aliens are scroungers, eat cat food, and are just generally wacky they are restricted to this slums and they eat rubber and just do weird shit. Any way some aliens are “bad “stealing guns from humans and stealing and just behaving badly. As the private company tries to evict the aliens the leader of the HMU The private company gets sprayed by some black juice. He starts to react to the juice in a very negative way. Getting sick and starting to physically change it’s at this point that his own company starts to look at him as an experiment rather than an injured employee. They want to see if this transformation will allow him to operate alien weaponry, this seems to be a theme of why MNU has been involved they are conducting various experiments to the aliens. As the dude that has been sprayed starts to change he finds that he can’t trust the government and that the aliens also don’t trust him he is all alone with no one to help him some pretty heavy themes in the flick racism, antigovernment, corporate corruption and many others plus a little Sci-Fi loved it you should too, check it out

500 Days of Summer Review

500 Days of Summer a boy girl relationship movie that I really liked, I did pass out for 5 minutes but hey I was tired. Story is almost typical boys see’s funky looking chick thinks she is cute but does nothing ,but she opens the door by saying something to him. By the way it was just a comment in an elevator, so ladies just say things to guys and they will think that you like them, this is totally true when a woman talks to a man he believes that he now has a shot, that’s why it’s easy to be a woman. Any way the chick Zooey Deschanel is named Summer and yes she is a little kooky not a lot, just a little funky and free spirited that’s why guys dig her she has this certain bohemian style to her and that can be sexy. Anyway the movie is not told from day one to day 500 but instead jumps around and it tells you what day of the relationship it is and how he looks back at certain moments with longing and others with the Jesus I should have known. It shows beginning middle and end fun stuff and just some stupid goofy stuff, in reality Summer is to blame for the break up cause of her quirkiness, she is not a bad person she is just Summer and he knew that going in. The dude Tom , Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a kid from Third Rock and he is a nice guy not a dick, not a nerd per say just a decent guy who took a job that he doesn’t love but does well. Summer is just a secretary /assistant in the same company I liked that it showed the ups and downs of the relationship at different points and how women can really crush men and yet at the same time inspire them. It was totally interesting and well done some cool old school alt music is involved like the Smiths and mentions of the Clash and stuff so it is not very mainstream in that way .It is a good movie for a date or anyone in a relationship I liked it and would recommend it.

G.I. Joe and the Raising of my lunch

G.I. I don’t think so. Ok the movie has action, yeah but it is not really good action. If it is today they have some pretty unbelievable stuff in terms of weapons, with what they are building I felt like I was in Star Trek with photon torpedoes and stuff like that. There are many spoilers cause the movie is just that bad. Some crazy Scottish type dude, the bad guy from Gone in 60 Seconds (guess he is the new Alan Rickman) is selling weapons to the U.S. Some crazy metal eating bug that they can start and stop, well he steals it with the help of some super hot chick in leather outfit, cause that the way all chicks fight, like they are a dancer in a Vegas show, could you at least put your hair up I mean the men in the military have to shave their hair but not you. Any way she and her crew kill everyone but Marlon Wayans and Tate Channing her old boyfriend (can you see back plot building) they are then saved by the Joe crew with a hot redhead and a dude dressed like the gimp from Pulp Fiction. It turns out that Wayans and Channing are two of the greatest dudes in the army and join the Joe team after some various training scenes. By the way the redhead and Wayans dig each other, duke killed (or so he thinks) his ex-girlfriends brother during a raid (not his fault) and holds much guilt, by the way nobody in this shit can act at all. The bad guys show the power of the bugs by having them eat part of the Eiffel Tower (no more U.S. Damage cause we haven’t even done shit to the trade center almost 10 years later.) They all fight some more the gimp is related in a way to the bad guy ninja. And oh yeah the ex girlfriends brother is not dead he is the evil mastermind behind the bugs. Holy fucking shit did this piece of crap really go nowhere. I can suspend disbelief and enjoy action movies like anyone else but this was hot garbage

Lazy Sunday

So why do I, and you love a lazy Sunday? Well mostly because we have done so much shit on Saturdays that we need a Sunday to recover. I remember when I was young with long flowing locks of hair from Friday to Saturday was just a haze of Rock clubs waking up somewhere trying to get home. we were rock and roll just without the talent, and fame, and record deal, but he we lived our lives if we had those things. Me and my bitching Camaro filled with bottles of Aqua Net Extra Super Hold and some Aussie Scrunch Spray. I think the reason I never smoked was because I could go up in flames. Well now that I am physically older I still live the hard partying lifestyle, you know doing yard work cleaning shit around the house being a guy. Bar-b-queuing and just getting ready for a night of cards with my friends or a hot movie or something, I mean that compared to nights at clubs like Lamoure’s or Stage Door or Sundance do not rate, wouldn’t you rather hang with a bunch of potbellied men eating sliders getting ready to watch people beat each other up in the fluorescent light of a basement, or be in some dark dingy nightclub trying to get some stupid chick from Bayshore to give you a hummer in the parking lot in your bitching Camaro. Boy do I need my lazy Sunday I mean who does not love waiting in line at the bagel store for your bagels all dressed up in your shorts and ripped up t shirt. Who doesn’t love reading the newspaper and all the ads that entice you to buy shit you don’t want but need. Who doesn’t love doing nothing till 8 o’clock at night then saying holy shit I have to work tomorrow I better…… I love an overcast lazy Sunday it is everyone’s excuse to do nothing so enjoy it remember we are still cool, even as we watch Bridezillas marathons.

the Wickedness of Wicked

So I went to see a Broadway play last night Wicked. First thing you know why it is the great white way? Don’t ask I will get in trouble, plus lots of dudes like me who were dragged there by their significant other. Second of all tickets are damn expensive, up in the balcony with surcharges and stuff still looking at over 350 bucks. You can buy over priced food and drinks, and by that I mean drinkie drinks you know the good ones but you can’t bring them into the show so slug ‘em down before you go in. OK enough with the pregame let’s get to the play. The set was very cool and creative, it was changing and showed some things but you also needed to use your imagination. Wicked is the story of the Wicked Witch of the West and how she got that way. Born Green, not loved, having to deal with a disabled sister, mother is dead, dad did not like her, all of these issues and then some yep it was kinda tough for her Plus , Popularity at High School was also dealt with, even how Glinda the good witch was a “friend” for a while. You know what that was pretty interesting, how someone who has the deck stacked against them can turn out bad all right, and you can still feel empathy for the person even though they are bad. I mean Jesus Tony Soprano had his nephew’s fiancé killed and then later killed him he was not a nice person, but he was a multifaceted person who would protect his family and empire but would kill those who he felt threatened by or betrayed by. Wicked could have been the same way, she could have been protective of her sister, smart enough to gain power be envious, of Glinda and her beauty, still be disjointed emotionally to be heinous, and yet she showed loyalty to her family and would do anything to keep her power base, she knew that they would never love her, so they could fear her instead , that would get the respect she felt she deserved, that could have been a great psychological profile, maybe even have Glinda keep trying to convince her to turn because of some of her good traits that is a bad person we can empathize with. I am not a writer of plays, bad poetry yes, insane ranting, yes but a play or a book highly doubtful. Had they ended the play there having us understand why she was wicked and some of her emotional torment I could be totally fine with it. No that was not enough they had to throw in the whole Dorothy and Wizard of Oz story as well, Frank Baum who I think wrote the book as a political allegory to his times and beliefs, gets put into some bullshit play and by the way they change some of the facts and the ending. We do not need for everybody to have a happy ending I was disappointed in where the story went ,I liked the singing there was not enough flying monkeys for me(there never could be enough flying monkeys) then at the end the whole audience (except for a few including you know who) gave them a standing ovation. I believe that too many actors get standing “O”’s for too little reason and if you read my FB you will know, so the next time the guy or gal at Dunkin Donuts makes your coffee give them a standing ovation they are performing just like those in Wicked.

New Tattoo

Ok so I am gay I am 40 and I went out and got a new tattoo. I was thinking a butterfly or a fairly or a dragon or something cool like that, but instead I wound up getting organic biomechanical. Kinda like underneath my skin there is a bunch of metal and cables holding me together. It’s a whole theme that I am going with, besides the theme that I am retarded and still think I am 25 fat like 60 and make jokes like I am 15. I still wanna cruise around in my Camaro with t-tops off cranking out the metal revving the engine at every stop light and smoking the tires like I am Jimmy Johnson and I just won the brickyard 400. Well I don’t have the Camaro anymore (but am seriously thinking about the new one) had the Mustang and traded it in cause I am a puss. So anyway I go to get my new custom tattoo and there is a former student sitting in Bayshore waiting to get her first one, Jesus am, I a cliché. So I am getting this “new ink" on my right ankle where I had 2 surgeries (like I said theme) and holy shit does getting the top of your foot hurt for a tattoo hurt, I figured that it would be an hour, hour and a half sorry almost 3 I pussed out and could not really finish it is like 97% done and I could not finish I was screaming and moaning in a very nonsexual way and I had to bail. Now it look pretty fucking cool and there is more detail in this tattoo then any of the others I ever had done but it has come at a price. Fuck does my foot hurt. I will have some pics to follow

Funny People Review

Funny People. Not if you really look at them. I went to see the movie (I mean what else am I supposed to do with my time) and it just goes to show that those who make us laugh are pretyy fucking miserable or pathetic or just socially awkward. From what I gather Sandler was cool but so miserable and self absorbed that he was and still is a dick dying or not it’s all about him. Rogan is just a putz who is secretly a scumbag to his “friends” for a shot at fame is he a good guy? Well no he is an insecure neurotic socially inept doofus. The female comedian is just a whack job who tries to pretty in that Lisa Loeb Kennedy the VJ sort of way but certainly is not succeeding the only reason Rogan likes her is because he thinks she is getable(well she is asshole just not to a putz like you). As for the normal chick well she left Sandler and had a family and all that shit and the flick is about their relationship , should she throw away what she has for this dude who she loved at one point in her life, and for him is he willing to have instant family and responsibility of kids and all that. Funny people not Funny but interesting, see it if you want to watch how dysfunctional famous people and wanna be famous people and never was people live their lives now. Was ok not great and by the way I laughed at parts that nobody else did .

Zombies and other monsters

OK What is the deal with Zombies? Why do they want brains? I mean will they absorb our knowledge? If so then they will probably just catch stupid people first and that will just make them stupider. Then if they eat our brain what do we become …..brainless zombies? So what happens to us who have been eaten by zombies can we then eat their brains to regain our brains? Plus they just eat them raw how good can they taste? At least Lector made his with some onions and sauce. Now anther questions how come vampires can’t get HIV I mean they drink blood I know they are the undead but Jesus they can’t deal with Garlic so how can they deal with HIV? What does Frankenstein want to do with people? Nothing as far as I can tell. Really the coolest monster as far as monsters go is wolf men I mean they are only wolfing once a month and if they bite you and you live you get to become a wolf man too and probably run in his pack. Vampires sorry no daylight zombies sorry no personality Wolf man that is the way to go.